Saturday, September 26, 2015

It's not healthy for me to keep this in.

I've lived so many places as I was growing up. I've been to quite a few states and lived in different parts of that state while I was there. Arizona is where I was born. I got to spend enough time there that it made a big impression and no matter where I went I always ended up coming back. It was nice to have somewhere familiar. Arizona is my home.

I'll tell you a little bit about Arizona for those who haven't been there. It's a beautiful place with so many wonders and adventures to be apart of. The history is rich, mysterious, and dangerous. It's a diverse place full of culture. I could go to a jazz club then go next store and experience authentic fresh sushi, then go to one of many art galleries and enjoy the art. The highways are decorated and beautiful. Murals that pay homage to native inspiration, and they are made out of rocks! There's no lack of things to do. Phoenix has a 5 story high library! 5 stories! Did I mention the train? Free trolley rides to places you want to go if you don't want to pay for the bus. Art festivals, and weekly functions open to everyone, performing arts theater around the corner from where i lived right next to the amazing library and contemporary art museum. Did i mention you can ride on a carriage pulled by beautiful Clydesdale horses. This is all in Scottsdale that I enjoyed... that's only one city . Yes, Arizona made an impression.

I've lived in Illinois, Missouri, California, Kansas, and now Kentucky. This is where it gets less inspiring. The culture here consists of no diversity. There's no inspiration or true life going on. I've met so many people who have no dreams, no ambition, no intention of leaving or doing anything at all. No one hopes for more or aspires to be more. The culture is factory work, and conformity. I have never conformed. I am me. I will stay me. So, I stand out, especially with my black child. Most people are very kind to him. But boy do I get the looks and judgment. I've even had someone call CPS saying I was drunk and on drugs. I had my first glass of mine in months last night. Cps saw my house, met my kids, told me i was doing a great job, closed the "investigation" and haven't talked to me since. My son's the only black person in our entire complex. I think that had something to do with it.

People here get so upset when I notice things. I'm causing drama because I notice things. Is that what drama is? Being awake and aware? Or that I point out things they don't like? My question is: Was I wrong? Was I lying? Or was I telling the truth? Is that what drama is? The truth. If that's what drama is than I guess I a am the biggest drama queen.

I'm a drama queen because I don't like this fake place. I don't like mistreatment of the people I care about and yes, I will say something! I don't like the constant judgment from people who think they are superior. People who judge me for having a black son and a white one. They are the sweetest boys. They deserve a better place than this and it's eating at me. I care. I care so I'm a drama queen. I guess I can live with that.

I keep to myself and stay inside. Yet, trouble still tries to find me. I take care of my boys and home but somehow I do nothing and I'm worthless.
Screw this place and their standards.
They don't know me, and they don't get to dictate how I live my life.
Adult bullying is a thing.

I miss my family and being free. This cage is so big and it's still so issolating. Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful here... but sometimes you shouldn't be somewhere just because it's beautiful. I want home. I'm going to find that.

End rant.

1 comment:

  1. Hi, I follow your video's on Youtube! You are an inspiration to me and though our problems are different, I "believe" that I can at least somewhat relate to the feeling of not fitting in. Sometimes it's good to rant, and sometimes it's good to do some crafting to get out the antsy or negative feelings from fake stuff in people and in life... Or that's what I try to do... :-)